Abnough Already

Preeminent putz and "Jersey Shore" lunchmeathead Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino on the red carpet last night.

Okay, we get it. You go to the gym and you tan, and you pull up your shirt at every opportunity.

Does this work outside of New Jersey? And if it does, must it?

Lindsay Lohan Not Going to Can

People just love to see lesbians in prison. I mean, look at all the hoopla there was when Martha Stewart was sent to the pokey for insider trading.



Now poor little drunk girl Lindsay Lohan has caused her SCRAM anklet to yell "I'm quitting this bitch" a reported five times. What's a gurl to do?



If you're LiLo, you call up a bail bondsman and post $200K to get the man off your back, so to speak, says TMZ.



Then you resume tweeting and shopping as though nothing had ever happened.



La la la la la la la la la la la la ... la la!

Chexy's Sports Roundup: David Arquette

Lakers 128, Suns 107, David Arquette 0, Arizona, 0.

Arquette, a former wrestler, was knocked to the ground while attempting to assist a security guard who was trying to prevent an avid fan from entering the court at the end of the game.

Courtside seats go for $3,700 and up. The games are also televised. People yell at their televisions as if the players can hear them, one of the dumbest fuckin' things in the world.

Putz

Woody Allen, as seen above at Cannes this weekend, says that Roman Polanski has paid a high price for his actions in a 1977 child sex case and that "enough is enough."

Allen, whose affair with his pseudo-stepdaughter, Soon Yi Previn, was revealed in 1992 when his girlfriend, Mia Farrow, found nude pictures of her in Woody's apartment. Soon Yi was 22. Woody was 56.

Farrow adopted Soon Yi from South Korea when Yi was 8. Woody and Soon Yi married in 1997. They have two adopted daughters.

Woody had one biological son with Farrow, Satchel Ronan O'Sullivan Farrow, now known as Ronan Farrow, a child prodigy who graduated Bard College at age 16. He has been estranged from Allen since his parents' separation.


Ronan is serving as Special Advisor to the Obama administration on humanitarian and NGO affairs, focusing on Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Which is Witch?

Ali Lohan, 16-year-old sister of Lindsay, as she and her eyebrows appeared yesterday at a milkshake shop in West Hollywood, and Wicked Witch portrayer Margaret Hamilton.

So alike, and yet only one has a good sister.

Shore Thing

Mack Sennett Bathing Beauty Marie Prevost in Laguna Beach in 1916...


and "Jersey Shore" trashlet Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi in Miami Beach in 2010.

That's entertainment.

Getty

Real Dolls

Cultural icon Barbie, as seen at a swimming pool in the '90s, and uncultured icon Heidi Montag as seen at a swimming pool at Aria in Las Vegas this past weekend.

So alike, and yet only one is entirely man-made.

What the Pluck?!

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, resident reality TV douche, and 1930's era superstar Marlene Dietrich.



The eyebrows are a situation.

The Day Has Ended

At the end of the day, please stop saying "at the end of the day." Thank you.

Chexy's Cartoon Corner

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Boob Tube Boob's New Boobs to Debut

Surgically revised Christian reality ho Heidi Montag apparently DOES have a thought in her head. And that thought is money. She's headed back to Playboy to fake-show her newly inflated DDD breasteses to the dwindling readership of the magazine, who've abandoned still pic tits for free online porn... which moves. (click pic to further enlarge her already enlarged gazongas)

InTouch is reporting the story, saying she's set to collect a seven-figure sum. And before she's through, she will probably have had seven figures.

Ba-zoink!

People

No, Yeah. Yeah, No. Make Up Your Mind.

"Yeah, no." I can no longer tolerate it.

There's a new idiomatic bit of horror taking up residence in the speech of weak thinkers. They do it when they're about to agree with you, I think. They say, "Yeah, no... blah blah blah..." or worse, "No, yeah... blah blah blah." Which is it? Yes or no?! WTF are you trying to say?!

This is the vernacular of tepid ass-kissers and others with nothing on their minds. Please, stop!

It's either yes or no. Not both.

Checks Please

Red checkerboard-wrapped Pepperidge Farm treats are photographed near gestating waste of space Bethenny Frankel while she promotes her book Skinnygirl Dish in South Beach.

Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad New Jersey

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" as she appeared at the Hard Rock in Florida this weekend, and comedy legend Buddy Hackett.

So alike, and yet only one is famous for playing a fat idiot.

I Will Cut Me!

Shiite Muslim men and boys assault themselves with chains and blades in Kabul, Afghanistan during Ashura -- a 10-day mourning period for Imam Hussein, who was killed in a battle in Iraq in 680 AD.


Self-flagellation... when you care enough to send the very best.

Majid Saeedi/Getty Images

Real Housewife

You know it's cold in Los Angeles when Khloe Kardashian has sprouted her winter fur... as seen outside of a cupcake place in Beverly Hills.

The makeup also keeps her warm.


David Aguilera/BuzzFoto/FilmMagic