More Proof That Flesh-Tone Lipstick is a FAIL

The erroneously glamorous Joan Van Ark, 96, as she appeared last night at the Mike Nichols AFI dinner.

Although matching your eyeliner with your roots is genius... if you live in Knots Landing or Dallas.

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Cher: The Fabulousness

Cher, mostly 64 and the pride of El Centro, checks to see if her face is still attached while speaking Thursday at the AFI Life Achievement Award dinner honoring Mike Nichols.

Special flame retardants prevented her spontaneous combustion.

Thirty-two audience members were not as fortunate.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Jane Meets Tarzan Yell

Jane Fonda, 72, as she appeared in Paris today to collect a Vermeil Medal for being Jane Fonda, and 77-year-old comedy great Carol Burnett.

So alike, and yet only one can easily put her foot in her mouth.

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When Porn Stars Age

Well, it's happened. Kim Kardashian has apparently used so much Botox and lip plumper that she's unable to move her face at all, as seen at some Armani event last night in Hollywood. Most of Kim will be 30 in October, and girl is clearly taking it hard, and we know from her film work that she does.

Expect her to appear on next season's "Dancing with the Stars." Oh, wait, nevermind.

Pretty Babies

Brooke Shields as she appeared at the Drama Desk Awards in New York City on Sunday, and her friend Michael Jackson.

So alike, and yet only one is a living white woman.

ty J.Lo

Mr. Las Vegas

Wayne Newton as he appeared last night at the 10th Annual Lupus L.A. Orange Ball, and a koala.

So alike, and yet only one is a marsupial. Danke schoen!



Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images

Speak to Me Only with Thine Eyes

Donatella Versace's lips, as seen at the Costume Institute Gala, and an upside-down inflatable orange sofa.


So alike, and yet only one makes a style statement, but both squeak when you touch them.


ty Miss Parkah

Can We Baa?

HSN huckster Joan Rivers as she appeared last night at the opening of "Promises, Promises," and Shari Lewis' puppet, Lamb Chop.

So alike, and yet only one requires human assistance to move her face.

How Can I Best Couch This?

Hyper-peroxided fashion vixen Donatella Versace, as she appeared standing before a tragic sofa Wednesday at Milan's International Furniture Fair.

How many things in this photo make you queasy?

Jacopo Raule/Getty Images

Morphers

Joan Rivers, 76, as she appeared at a Friars Club Roast last night, and former "Lizzie McGuire" star Hilary Duff, 22.

Eventually, one of them will look just like the other.

Real Dolls

Cultural icon Barbie, as seen at a swimming pool in the '90s, and uncultured icon Heidi Montag as seen at a swimming pool at Aria in Las Vegas this past weekend.

So alike, and yet only one is entirely man-made.

Supermen

Reconstituted Olympian/reality TV stepdad Bruce Jenner as he appeared last night at some restaurant launch in L.A., and former Superman and horse-jumping accident victim Christopher Reeve.

So alike, and yet only one is among the living.

David Livingston/Getty Images

Andrea Martin, Funny Face

That's SCTV alum Andrea Martin on the left, age 55 in 2002, at the Comedy Film Honors Event, and on the right at age 63, as she appeared April 4th at the NYC opening of "Lend Me a Tenor."

Lend me your doctors!

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A.L. and A.L. Down Under

Transsexual superstar Amanda Lepore at a media call before the big Mardi Gras Party at Kit & Kaboodle in Sydney.


American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert is also there.

Both sing.

Gaye Gerard/Getty Images

Boob Tube Boob's New Boobs to Debut

Surgically revised Christian reality ho Heidi Montag apparently DOES have a thought in her head. And that thought is money. She's headed back to Playboy to fake-show her newly inflated DDD breasteses to the dwindling readership of the magazine, who've abandoned still pic tits for free online porn... which moves. (click pic to further enlarge her already enlarged gazongas)

InTouch is reporting the story, saying she's set to collect a seven-figure sum. And before she's through, she will probably have had seven figures.

Ba-zoink!

People

Heidi Ho

Heidi Montag, immediately post-op as seen in People magazine, and yearly visitor Santa Claus.

So alike, and yet one has a bag full of fun new toys, and one has full new funbags as toys.

How Wet Was It at the Golden Globes?

It was so wet, that Mariah Carey's flotation devices were deployed.

Thanks, I'll be here all week.

Heidious

Reality TV horror Heidi Montag revealed today (on the cover of People, right) that she's been talking to her mirror again, and the mirror told her that she just doesn't look enough like a blonde born-again moron from Orange County ought to look. This required a visit to Dr. Frankenstein for a retooling of the face and boobs of the boob.

She actually started out as an attractively unintelligent girl, then surgimorphed into a Christian centerfold... and now has that delicate jawline preferred by transsexuals, along with the inflated lips and mammaries that will serve her well if she does another one of those "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here" type shows that sets her adrift in the middle of the ocean without a boat.

(I can dream, can't I?)

Corporate Shake-Up

Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Michael Jeffries*, 65, and Master Shake from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" after extensive Guatemalan plastic surgery (on Master Shake).

So alike, yet only one was created by Dr. Weird. (I think.)

*The Corporate Library named Jeffries as the "Highest Paid Worst Performer" of 2008, after he received a compensation package valued at $71.8 million. Jeffries refused to lower prices or offer discounts at Abercrombie & Fitch stores during the retail recession until September, 2009, after the company posted same-store sales losses for 17 consecutive months. (Wiki)

By Chexydecimal Arizona Correspondent Cabot

I've Just Seen a Face

Scientololoco and science experiment Priscilla Presley, 64, former wife of Elvis, is able to speak. Click the pic for a better look.

Cirque du Soleil is planning a "Viva Elvis" tribute production for the new City Center in Las Vegas.

Priscilla will not be joining the acrobatic circus... although her outfit will be used in it.


Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Cirque du Soleil