Royal Ascot, Day 3 -- Ladies Day

Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, wore this endlessly hideous dress (I use the term loosely) to Royal Ascot Ladies Day today, looking like the mother of a Mississippi Bat Mitzvah girl, or one of Lady Gaga's handmaidens, or a mascot for Yoo Hoo... (stop me).


Other attendees included Joan Collins in some leftover "Dynasty" shoulderpads...


and Betty Deuce... in her salute to Gay Pride Month! (They don't call her Queen for nothing.)


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Abnough Already

Preeminent putz and "Jersey Shore" lunchmeathead Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino on the red carpet last night.

Okay, we get it. You go to the gym and you tan, and you pull up your shirt at every opportunity.

Does this work outside of New Jersey? And if it does, must it?

Liza with a Ziploc Bag

The original celebuspawn, 64-year-old "Sterile Cuckoo" star Liza Minnelli, wore this elaborate Centrum Silver baggie to the "Sex and the City 2" premiere last night in New York, New York.

The geriatric gamine wore a matching choker... while everyone else just choked.

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Headline Makers

First female Oscar winner for Best Director Kathryn Bigelow, and English schoolteacher Melinday Dennehy, arrested for allegedly texting nude pix of herself to a 15-year-old male student.

One has left a number of men disappointed.

Camilla in Wonderland

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, in her Soviet General coat, greets the cast of a bookshop's "Mad Hatter Tea Party" in London. How awkward for her to have to meet the Queen of Hearts -- Diana's nickname!

The duchess also read excerpts from "Alice in Wonderland" to celebrate World Book Day. Awkward.

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Amy Goes Goth

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, spent a long weekend with her mother, Carolyn and her boyfriend Fahd, visiting with Carolyn's relatives in Massachusetts. As you can see by the above photo, Amy returned as a Goth. Yes, I know she's big for six. I was especially reminded when I insisted on taking temporary custody of her new tee shirt, a gift from her Aunt Crystal.

This unfortunate episode seems to have been prompted by Carolyn's sister Crystal's new look, as seen below. I haven't seen Crystal for over ten years, not quite long enough to create a comfortable distance. Amy tells me, "Aunt Crystal's apartment looks like those places on 'Clean House' on Style Network. Before."


Now, I'm all for Amy's sense of self-expression, but my encouragement runs into some paternal hesitancy at fingerless gloves, black nail polish and cringeworthy nose jewelry. I was thankful, at least, that her tattoo was temporary, like her mother's civility. Amy modified her look with this cheery tee shirt so we could attend her school's father/imaginary daughter conference.


I drove Amy back to her mother's, where we found Carolyn outside, waiting, barefooted, for what she said was a "Domino's delivery." As you can see by her expression, she was delighted to see me. Nearly as delighted as her second toe was with its ring.


It was a rough flight back for Carolyn. Her boyfriend, Fahd, was bounced off the plane when he didn't fit in his seat. Amy took this pic with her Hello Kitty iPhone.


This apparently ended with some type of scuffle in which a flight attendant, Geraldo, was not just hurt, but offended.


Amy said, "Geraldo reminded me of you, Ricky. Only cuter. And younger."

J.Lo in "What the Shmata?"

This is how Jennifer Lopez looked at a Dolphins game in Miami yesterday. I believe this is what the nuns at Our Lady of Jo Anne Worley wear to Sunday mass.

The belt is an admission that something has gone horribly wrong with this stained glass muumuu from the Hideology Hall of Fame. It's in Branson.

She must have fallen on her head in her Louboutins. Even her wee bodyguard is sickened by it.

Thank you, try the veal.

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Betty Deuce Does Santa

Betty Deuce donned her festive holiday look for the royals' annual trek to Sandringham Church for Christmas services. While Her Majesty opted for this homage to St. Nick, Camilla went with the more traditional Cossack look.


The Duchess burned no villages.

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