Lindsay Lohan Not Going to Can

People just love to see lesbians in prison. I mean, look at all the hoopla there was when Martha Stewart was sent to the pokey for insider trading.



Now poor little drunk girl Lindsay Lohan has caused her SCRAM anklet to yell "I'm quitting this bitch" a reported five times. What's a gurl to do?



If you're LiLo, you call up a bail bondsman and post $200K to get the man off your back, so to speak, says TMZ.



Then you resume tweeting and shopping as though nothing had ever happened.



La la la la la la la la la la la la ... la la!

Amy and the High Court

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, spent Saturday at the home of her friend Shinnae, whose mother, Mahogany, is a plumber.

"Mahogany showed me how to use a pipe wrench," chirped my curiously accomplished angel as she reached for a third piece of toast (from my plate). "You're not eating that, right, Ricky?"

"So Mahogany and her friend Jane were discussing the Supremes Court nominee," she blurted in a display of whole grain crumbs. "Supreme," I corrected. "And?"

"Jane was mad that people on TV were talking about how Kagan wasn't a lebsbian, and why it even mattered if she was a bread baker, but I don't understand what one thing has to do with another. Don't they allow bakers on the Supremes... Supreme Court?"

My inquisitive girl left me momentarily stumped as to which direction to take this conversation.

"Whether or not she is a lesbian is irrelevant. Her sexuality does not make her a better or worse justice." I ignored the whole bread-baking remark, hoping that it could wait for another day.

"Mahogany said it would be interesting to watch them try to get into her panties during the Senate conversation hearings, but I don't understand why they're talking about her panties to begin with... do you think she has Dora panties like mine?"

"I don't know if she has Dora the Explorer underwear, sweetheart, but I'm sure that if she does, they'll probably find out about it."


"They're really the best underpants, I think," offered her budding legal mind, adding, "Maybe I should send her a pair? Can we, Rick?"

And so I bought some Dora panties on Amazon and sent them to Ms. Kagan, c/o the Supreme Court with this note from Amy: "Dear Elena, when they want to see your panties, you will be ready. Love, Amy."

Yes, I know she's big for six.

Mississippi Goddamn

Gutsy teen lesbian Constance McMillen, 18, who with the ACLU sued her Mississippi school for prohibiting her from bringing her girlfriend to prom, has just been named one of the Grand Marshals for this year's NYC Pride parade on June 27.

US District Court Judge Glen Davidson ruled in favor of both McMillen and the Itawamba County School District, saying that the District did violate Connie's First Amendment rights by not allowing her to attend the prom with her girlfriend, and by not allowing her to wear a tuxedo and by canceling the prom, but also ruled that he would not force the school district to hold the prom.

Last month, lesbian icon Ellen DeGeneres had Constance on her show, and arranged with Tonic.com for a $30,000 scholarship for the soft-spoken teen activist.

McMillen's Co-Grand Marshals include "Don't Ask Don't Tell" battler Lt. Dan Choi, and hate crime legislation activist Judy Shepard, mother of Matthew.

Go Connie.

LAPD and DA 'Eff It Up Again

LAPD this morning arrested "Good Times" dad John Amos, apparently mistaking him for Dr. Conrad Murray, in yet another snafu of L.A. justice.


The real Conrad Murray is supposed to be processed today, if the two departments can ever work it out.

Esther Rolle, best known for her role as Florida Evans, died in 1998.