Happy Birthday, Roger Ebert

Two thumbs up for cancer survivor Roger Ebert, who turns 68 today. He also survived shtupping Oprah.

Wash and Set Miss Jones

In what I believe is only her second public appearance since undergoing cardiac surgery in late March, Starlet Marie Jones, 48, appeared on the red carpet at the Apollo Theater Spring Benefit Concert on Monday... looking as fit as a griddle. Wearing a sporty new two-toned hairdo, Miss Jones ambulated without assistance in a pleated pink mini.

Jemal Countess/Getty Images

Supermen

Reconstituted Olympian/reality TV stepdad Bruce Jenner as he appeared last night at some restaurant launch in L.A., and former Superman and horse-jumping accident victim Christopher Reeve.

So alike, and yet only one is among the living.

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Morgellons Disease

I read last night that singer Joni Mitchell is suffering from Morgellons Disease, which reportedly prevented the famous Canadian from performing at the Olympics.

This odd disease sounds like science fiction... it leaves painful sores all over the body. The sores ooze blue, black or red fibers, white threads and little black specks of sand-like material. Bizarre!

Most people report an itching, biting or clawing sensation, as though something were crawling under the skin. While the odd threads resemble some type of hyphae, a filamentous form of fungus, they are not natural.

Doctors don't know what causes the disease, who is at risk and exactly how many people may be suffering. One count has the number at 1,200, but The Morgellons Foundation fears the real number of infected people is much higher. Some patients are finding relief with either antibiotics and/or a form of colloidal silver -- also being used in treatment of MS.

The disease has an unusual geographic spread in clusters, large ones, which suggests that it may have some environmental or infective origin. The clusters are in California, Texas and Florida, with cases showing up elsewhere in the country and in the UK, France and Germany.

Since January 2008, the CDC has been studying Morgellons Disease, trying to establish the cause, which remains unknown, with theories ranging from deliberate chemical experiments to environmental toxins to psychosomatic origins.

The name comes from a condition involving "black hairs" emerging from the skin of children that was documented in France in the 1600s. It is unknown if it is the same disease.

Amy and the First Lady

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, had a very rough day at school, with kids teasing her about being part of Michelle Obama's campaign against obesity in children.

"Am I obese, Ricky?" she lamented, while reaching for a celery stick. "Am I like Maury Pobitch fat?" She refuses to get his name right.


Amy has had a slight weight problem since she was 2, exacerbated by her recently blonded mother Carolyn's insistence on viewing the food pyramid as a tourist attraction. As you can see by Carolyn's expression, the Nile is, indeed, a river in Egypt.


"No, you're not obese, honey," I lied. "I like to think of you as delicious," which she is. "But you could follow the rules and eat sensibly," I paternally added.

"I'm thinking of going on a diet," she said, "because Mrs. Obama thinks I'm fat. At least I'm not stupid like those kids who say I'm obesity." She had an excellent point there, and I didn't have the heart to correct her usage.

"I mean, look at this cute outfit I have on!" I couldn't deny that her socks, faux tats and Converse were precious. Yes, I know, she's big for six.


She trundled off to her room to write Michelle Obama a letter. Here it is:

Dear Michelle First Lady,

My name is Amy. I'm 6. I'm sorry I'm so fat, but I'm big for six. I will try to lose weight. I think you are very beautiful. My imaginary friend Delilah is going to help me. Oh, and Ricky too.

Love,

Amy Elaine

P.S. Can Sasha and Malia come over sometime? My dad will make something not fattening.


Just after I finished reading it, Carolyn blew the horn (she can't come in per the court order). Amy grabbed her things and went outside to Carolyn's VW Jetta, where, as I watched from the window, she was handed a bag of food from Carl's drive-thru, which Amy refused!

Thank you, Mrs. Obama!


'Maury' Illustration by Rev. Josh of Life Without Taffy, from Chexy's collection.