Amy and the Lesbian Drama

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, really got into it this past weekend at Gay Pride.

Amy went again this year with Jean and Lynnae, who typically celebrate their sisterhood by having an argument, breaking up, and getting back together again two days later with an emotional display usually seen in such refined dramas as "Melrose Place."

"Lynnae called Jean bipolar. Is that where Santa lives?" asked my inquisitive little meat-eater as she microwaved a Lean Pocket.


"Yes," I lied. "What were they arguing about?"

"Lynnae wanted Jean to come to her birthday party, but Jean said Lynnae didn't respect her schedule, and Lynnae told her what mom used to say to you about 'go fuck yourself', and then Jean got all up in her stuff because Lynnae went shopping."

"Well, that's clear," I said, rolling my eyes far enough to nearly cause a retinal detachment. "Where did you go?"


"First we went to Hugo's, but we had to go home again because Lynnae was mad that Jean didn't take her lithimum, and Jean was mad because Lynnae asked this lady for a cigarette."

"Lith-E-um, darling," I corrected.

"That's what I said," she corrected. "Then Jean got a migrained."

I didn't correct her.

"So we had to go back to get Jean's medicine because Lynnae said she'd be a crazy beeyotch if she didn't take it. And then they were really quiet and Lynnae kept texting somebody, which made Jean even madder and she said we should go to breakfast without her and Lynnae was like, 'okay, whatevs', and Lynnae and I went to Coffee Bean. When we got back to Jean's, she was throwin' Lynnae's stuff off the balcony, and it was rainin' Xena comic books and a margarita machine and all these Jodie Foster DVDs."


She took a too-hot bite of her Lean Pocket and continued.

"And Jean was yellin' about Lynnae goin' to The Palms with her muffin and gettin' a tattoo or somethin' like that, I don't know what the hell they were talkin' about, and then this giant cardboard statue of Hillary Clinton was flyin' off the balcony, and then the cops came... two lady cops... and Jean got arrested for actin' crazy I guess. That's when mom came and got me and we helped Lynnae put her stuff in her truck."

"And what did you and mom do after that?"

"We went home and watched 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' on DVR."

Yes, I know, she's big for six.

Wash and Set Miss Jones

In what I believe is only her second public appearance since undergoing cardiac surgery in late March, Starlet Marie Jones, 48, appeared on the red carpet at the Apollo Theater Spring Benefit Concert on Monday... looking as fit as a griddle. Wearing a sporty new two-toned hairdo, Miss Jones ambulated without assistance in a pleated pink mini.

Jemal Countess/Getty Images

Morgellons Disease

I read last night that singer Joni Mitchell is suffering from Morgellons Disease, which reportedly prevented the famous Canadian from performing at the Olympics.

This odd disease sounds like science fiction... it leaves painful sores all over the body. The sores ooze blue, black or red fibers, white threads and little black specks of sand-like material. Bizarre!

Most people report an itching, biting or clawing sensation, as though something were crawling under the skin. While the odd threads resemble some type of hyphae, a filamentous form of fungus, they are not natural.

Doctors don't know what causes the disease, who is at risk and exactly how many people may be suffering. One count has the number at 1,200, but The Morgellons Foundation fears the real number of infected people is much higher. Some patients are finding relief with either antibiotics and/or a form of colloidal silver -- also being used in treatment of MS.

The disease has an unusual geographic spread in clusters, large ones, which suggests that it may have some environmental or infective origin. The clusters are in California, Texas and Florida, with cases showing up elsewhere in the country and in the UK, France and Germany.

Since January 2008, the CDC has been studying Morgellons Disease, trying to establish the cause, which remains unknown, with theories ranging from deliberate chemical experiments to environmental toxins to psychosomatic origins.

The name comes from a condition involving "black hairs" emerging from the skin of children that was documented in France in the 1600s. It is unknown if it is the same disease.

Britney Spears at the Grammys

It looks like the conservatorship has limits.

But it's better than than this, y'all...