Amy and the Lesbian Drama

My imaginary daughter Amy, 6, really got into it this past weekend at Gay Pride.

Amy went again this year with Jean and Lynnae, who typically celebrate their sisterhood by having an argument, breaking up, and getting back together again two days later with an emotional display usually seen in such refined dramas as "Melrose Place."

"Lynnae called Jean bipolar. Is that where Santa lives?" asked my inquisitive little meat-eater as she microwaved a Lean Pocket.


"Yes," I lied. "What were they arguing about?"

"Lynnae wanted Jean to come to her birthday party, but Jean said Lynnae didn't respect her schedule, and Lynnae told her what mom used to say to you about 'go fuck yourself', and then Jean got all up in her stuff because Lynnae went shopping."

"Well, that's clear," I said, rolling my eyes far enough to nearly cause a retinal detachment. "Where did you go?"


"First we went to Hugo's, but we had to go home again because Lynnae was mad that Jean didn't take her lithimum, and Jean was mad because Lynnae asked this lady for a cigarette."

"Lith-E-um, darling," I corrected.

"That's what I said," she corrected. "Then Jean got a migrained."

I didn't correct her.

"So we had to go back to get Jean's medicine because Lynnae said she'd be a crazy beeyotch if she didn't take it. And then they were really quiet and Lynnae kept texting somebody, which made Jean even madder and she said we should go to breakfast without her and Lynnae was like, 'okay, whatevs', and Lynnae and I went to Coffee Bean. When we got back to Jean's, she was throwin' Lynnae's stuff off the balcony, and it was rainin' Xena comic books and a margarita machine and all these Jodie Foster DVDs."


She took a too-hot bite of her Lean Pocket and continued.

"And Jean was yellin' about Lynnae goin' to The Palms with her muffin and gettin' a tattoo or somethin' like that, I don't know what the hell they were talkin' about, and then this giant cardboard statue of Hillary Clinton was flyin' off the balcony, and then the cops came... two lady cops... and Jean got arrested for actin' crazy I guess. That's when mom came and got me and we helped Lynnae put her stuff in her truck."

"And what did you and mom do after that?"

"We went home and watched 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' on DVR."

Yes, I know, she's big for six.